CHAPTER 28 TEARS OF JOY

CHAPTER 28

TEARS OF JOY

As April arrived my heart turned to my father who died one year earlier on April 6th. I thought about my parents a lot as I prepared to return home to a world without them, yet my knowledge that we’ll be together again was truly comforting and I’m grateful for Jesus Christ who made it all possible. Someday we’ll be together again at our Savior’s feet!

Our last District Meeting was a very spiritual Easter lesson. We read chapters from “Jesus the Christ” about his death, burial and resurrection, then each one of us shared our witness and testimony. How grateful I am for his life, his resurrection and his atoning sacrifice!

We cherished every last minute of our mission, as the end drew near. We moved out of our echo-chamber house into the Khmera hotel, so Elder and Sister Reynolds could get settled in their new life. They were very weary of living out of suitcases and eating in restaurants. Sister Reynolds immediately began cooking up a storm with the food in the house. She invited us over for dinner, and we helped them get started teaching English.

SISTER REYNOLDS COOKING AGAIN

Every day we felt more displaced, living in the hotel. We’d been replaced and felt we were no longer needed. Our home in America seemed far away and unfamiliar, we weren’t sure where home was anymore! Our amazing adventure was coming to an end, soon we would get reacquainted with our family. We’d missed so many things, perhaps they’d moved on without us!

AT THE HOTEL

We took the entire Sorn family, all thirteen of them, to lunch for a farewell party. It was fun for us and a grand experience for them, with all the rice they could eat, seafood, fish, vegetables, and drinks of their choice. The servers treated them so well, I’m sure they’ve never been served like that before. It was a feast for all us! I’ll never forget how much they ate and how happy they were that day. How could we leave these beautiful people we love so much?

SORN FAMILY AT DINNER

Elder Bennett had a huge boil on the back of his neck, so we drove him to see Dr. Souvannah. The doctor cut it open and squeezed out the infection. Elder Bennett was very brave and hardly flinched, even with no pain medication. Elder Stagg and Elder Reynolds gave him a blessing when we dropped him at his house. They advised him to rest for a few days, but he was out teaching later that evening, faithful and working hard as usual. Missionaries hate staying in their houses when there’s work to be done!

Our hotel was beautiful with stunning landscaping and a beautiful pool. We felt like tourists rather than missionaries, but we appreciated the time alone together while we prepared to leave the country. There was much to process as we faced the big transition ahead of us! During the last few days in our hotel, Mary, Sda and Angel came to visit and swim in the pool.

We celebrated our last Easter in our mission with all the missionaries in Battambang. Sister Reynolds invited all of us to an Easter breakfast of french toast and ham and we decorated Easter eggs.

EASTER PARTY AT OUR HOUSE

The members in both branches gave us a fantastic farewell party. Our favorite choir of young people sang to us, “O Battambang” replacing with their own words, “Oh Elder Stagg, Oh Sister Stagg.” It was very clever and touched our hearts and brought tears to our eyes. Phaury, my sweet little piano student, performed a minuet on the piano for us and everyone gave us long stem red roses. Wilf and I gave farewell talks and we sang “God Be With You” in Khmer and in English to the members. After the program everyone danced Khmer dancing and the American dances we’d taught them. It was a wonderful evening!

Our last two days in Battambang, we watched General Conference in English with the missionaries while the members watched it in their language. Rain came down in sheets during the second session, causing a power outage for the rest of the day. I thought the heavens were weeping with us as we faced our sad goodbyes. At the end of the sessions, we walked outside the church where the members were waiting to say goodbye. They all shouted in English, “We love you!” several times.

After many tears and hugs we got in our car, waved goodbye and drove to the hotel! We thought our hearts would break as we looked back at our beautiful members weeping and waving. Saying goodbye to these precious people was as painful as saying goodbye to our family eighteen months earlier.

TENDER GOODBYES

We spent our last night packing our suitcases. We had given away clothes, shoes and other items to many members, making our luggage much lighter! The next morning we said a tearful goodbye to Mary, Sda and Angel and drove out of Battambang for the last time. As we drove to Phnom Penh, we cherished every unique Cambodian sight we had become so accustomed to, and would likely never see again.

READY TO GO HOME!

Sister Winegar arranged a farewell dinner for us at the Kiwi restaurant, but it was so hot and noisy we could barely hear one another talk. It was our last day and the last chance to shop for our family, but it was also Khmer New Year, the biggest holiday in Cambodia. Most every shop was closed and the city was quiet! It felt weird and lonely as we drove back to the mission home and waited to go to the airport. We’d waited so long for this day to come that it was hard to believe it was really happening. Could it be possible we were really going home?

“Going home, going home, I am going home!” How sweet the words....we really were going home! The first half of our mission I thought my tears would never end. I prayed night and day for emotional and physical strength, for answers, and comfort to accept the losses I endured. It seemed like the pain would never go away, then one day it wasn’t there anymore and I was happy. My tears of sorrow had turned to tears of joy.

Now I understood why I needed this painful process. When fear is gone, only love remains, and we become God's instruments - his miracle workers. Perfect love casteth out fear! I have felt perfect love on this mission. I was fear bound, now love has replaced all fear. With the help of my husband and the Savior, I have faced all my fears. Finding faith in God has taken me out of fear and into love. Everyday I have a choice to walk into fear or to walk into love. I choose to love and trust in God. The world is a safe place and Heavenly Father is there for me! His angels have encircled me, and He has supported me with his everlasting kindness.

I lovingly forgive myself for all the past. I'm grateful to be free from the bondage of fear. Godly confidence has replaced my fears, and I can do all things with faith in Jesus Christ. I know that He is mindful of my needs and knows what is best for me. My cup"runneth over" with joy as I contemplate my life and my incredible mission. Waves of sadness have turned into waves of gratitude as I ponder the Savior's amazing grace! It is a miracle and beyond my wildest imagination that I actually lived in this far away land among these beautiful and loving people!

How did the end of our mission come so fast? It took me so long to get past the death of my parents and my homesickness. Now I wish I could do it differently. I used to say,"only in Cambodia, we see these crazy things," now I say, "only in Cambodia, we see these amazing things."

FAREWELL TO SENIOR SISTERS

I thank the Lord for all things, even my trials. If I hadn't known such exquisite pain, I could never have known such exquisite joy. The easy path may seem sweet, but it's our trials that make us strong and in the end, make life sweeter.

"And inasmuch as you are humble and faithful and call upon my name, behold, I will give you the victory." Doctrine and Covenants 104:82

He has given me the victory. I have known such joy in Cambodia! It truly was the most incredible adventure of my life. If I had known I would lose my parents so soon after I arrived in Cambodia, I would have stayed home and missed the greatest experience of my life, never having met the most tender people on this planet! How wise and good our Heavenly Father is, not showing us what's down the road. Sweet is his work - the sweetest work I've ever done.

I'm so grateful for the legacy of love and hard work my parents gave me, but most of all I'm grateful to be their daughter. I will miss their loving presence, but I'm happy their suffering is over! Brigham Young said,

“We have more friends behind the veil, than on this side, and they will hail us more joyfully than you were ever welcomed by your parents and friends in this world; and you will rejoice more when you meet them than you ever rejoiced to see a friend in this life; and then we shall go on from one intelligence to another, our happiness becoming more and more exquisite."

I can imagine the joyful reunion I'll have with my parents. All my tears of sorrow will become tears of joy. Tears of sadness are blessings in disguise for they bring joy in the morning after the darkest night! There are still tears, always tears, and they come more often than ever before, but they are tears of gratitude for all the blessings that have come from our mission of miracles. I can imagine my beautiful parents dancing together in the heavens. I see my father, young and handsome, staring at my young and beautiful mother as though he’s seeing her for the first time as she really is. He’s too happy to even look my way, but she tenderly turns toward me and blows me a kiss and tells me to go on with my life. There is still much for me to do!

In Cambodia, I learned how much I love my husband and how good he is. He took care of me through all my tears and heartache, even though he suffered also. His heart is pure and totally unselfish! He is the best companion and everyone loves him. I will always be grateful for the time we shared in Cambodia, where I finally realized how blessed I am to be his wife!

President Winegar gave us a copy of this poem when we left our mission:

“THE SUMMIT”

You cannot stay on the summit forever,

You have to come down again.

So why bother in the first place?

Just this – What is above knows what is below

But what is below does not know what is above.

One climbs, One sees, One descends.

One sees no longer, but one has seen.

There is an ART of conducting oneself

In the lower regions

By the memory of what one saw higher up.

What one can no longer see,

One can at least still know.

Reaching the summit may seem like our finest hour, but it’s knowing we reached the summit, that gives us confidence to climb other mountains that seem too hard to conquer, and walk any path the Lord asks us to walk.

AT THE AIRPORT

WITH PRESIDENT AND SISTER WINEGAR

Heavenly Father gives us weaknesses that through faith we may become strong. As we allow Him to shape our character, we become strong and able to accomplish the things He wants us to do. President Ezra Taft Benson said,

“The Lord made it very clear….that even though times become perilous, even though we are surrounded by temptation and sin, even though men’s hearts may fail them and anxiety fill their souls, if we only trust in God and keep his commandments we need have no fear.”

Before I made the decision to serve this mission in Cambodia, I felt fear about everything. My fears didn’t recede all at once! Little by little, step by step, Heavenly Father walked with me and held my hand until I learned to trust Him. We must learn to walk by faith, not by sight. We want to see the end from the beginning, but we must learn to walk to the edge of the light and a few steps into the darkness, until the light appears and shows us the way.

I am still learning to walk by faith, not by sight, but the things I learned in Cambodia will always be with me. In the end it is my faith that conquers my fear!